mothers, be good to your daughters-John Mayer

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ashamed to be Baptist

War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? ~The Value of Families

I will never, as long as I live, understand the fight by the church to limit gay rights. If we as a denomination spent half as much energy working on other social issues, such as child abuse, bullying, caring for our elderly, etc....we'd get a lot more accomplished in our world. It is so frustrating!!!!

being reminded

Seeing this picture of my daughter standing here in a flower girl dress, only reminds me of her future and that one day she'll be the bride!

I pray for her future husband. I pray that he'll be strong for her and love her as he should. Which in turn, causes me to pray for my own marriage because I know that Brad and I are the first picture of love that she will see. I pray that we are strong and that we love each other as we should. always.....

My journey in and out of homeschooling our kids

I'll start by saying that I don't (at all) feel the need to defend myself, BUT people keep asking me about it. Why did I stop homeschooling our kids?

reason: God only told me to do it for that year. When the 09-10 school year came to a close, I felt peace about sending them back into the public school system. I never once felt like God was calling me to another year of teaching my kids at home.

In the back of my mind, I always felt something like "if I could just homeschool my kids, everything would be ok"..."if I had more time with them"...."a more laid back lifestyle is what I've always wanted"...."if they could learn what they are most interested in, it would be fun learning"..."if they could be around other families who share our values"....etc, etc..."if if if" So one day as I was talking to God about all this, he said to me, "then do it already, what are you so afraid of....take a risk, do the thing", so I did!

In some ways it helped my family, in other ways it was very damaging. Some memories I will always cherish, they are sweet times with my kids I'd had never experienced any other way. Other memories will haunt me for the rest of my life.

the good: a laid back family life was great. I could drop everything and go help a friend, spend the night with family, take a mini vacation if I wanted to. All I had to do was pack up school books, or plan an educational field trip along the way, and bam, our school hours where done! My kids loved the planning process. Getting to pick what they learned about was such a new concept, and we all fell in love with it. Baylee's love for art, and the creative process flourished & Neal could tell you every character involved in the civil rights movement & how they contributed to equality for all people in America. Making dinner and grocery trips became Math lessons some days. Other days, a picnic at the local Battlefield memorial became a state history lesson. We loved it.

the bad: to my surprise, a vast majority of homeschool families feel the need to defend themselves. I still don't understand where or how this came about. The more friends I tried to make, the more families I got to know, there was this underlying theme of fear. Fear of public school, fear of public school families, teachers, children, fear of having their right to homeschool taken away, fear that their children would somehow be damaged goods by attending school, or having friends that do. It was all very freakish (for lack of a better word) to me. I didn't understand, and still don't. My children overheard some very inappropriate talk among adults. Adults who claimed to love and follow Christ, yet talked about humanity as if it were already damned to hell, and we Christians had better stay away from all the "bad people" out there. It made my stomach turn, and I was sad that a number of children are being raised to believe such things about the world and the perception of God they will develop as a result. Not every family I know that home educated their children feel or act this way, but in my own experience, I meet enough of them to know this mentality of "elite-ism" and fearfulness does exist to a great number in the homeschool community.

the ugly: when your with a group of people 24-7, they get to see the real you. There is no faking it, no pretending, no game face. Its the real, raw, authentic you. As a family we saw the best and worst of each other last year. As a Mom, my kids saw the sometimes weak, sinful creature that I can become. I can be short tempered, unorganized, lazy, boastful of the wrong things, and a host of other not so pretty qualities. There were nights when I'd kneel beside my kids bed and ask for their forgiveness for that day. There are some memories (such as yelling at Baylee for the 25th time already to just GO TO BED) that I wish I could forget. The look of fear and disappointment on her face is more than I can bare some days. I won't even go into my marriage and the stress that having children with you ALL the time can bring.

Through it all, God taught me grace in a whole new way. Grace to face the day and grace to face myself. My children went back to public school this year, and they are performing on or above grade level. They are also more confident with themselves, and a lot more friendly to their peers. Was the year a success, I don't know. I doubt I'll have the answer until I see it through the eyes of my adult children one day. At the end of the day, I think I learned more than my kids ever did last year. I was the teacher, but they gave me a crash course in life. And I'm the better for it!

My trip "home"

Last week Brad & I traveled to our home church, Richpond Baptist Church, in KY. I walk through the doors and almost immediately I feel "home". Funny how that happens. Its been a few years since we actually came and sat in on a service. This one was special because our children had a part in leading worship that night, but even as the event was a happy one I found myself getting a little sad. WHY? Because there really is no place like home, and I miss it. I don't think I realized just how much until that night. I miss our pastor, Steve and the way he usually tears up when talking about Jesus. I miss his wife, Lisa who is such a sweet, multifaceted lady of enormous talent. It really is true that behind every good man, stands a better woman! Sorry Steve. I miss the people we grew close to, I miss the youth group we taught, as many of them are now grown and getting married or have children. Talk about feeling old, geesh. However, as sweet as those things are, what I miss most are the memories attached to that place. I'm sitting there wishing my kids could grow up within the walls of this church because it really is such an amazing family of faith. I remember sitting in Steve's office crying my eyes out because my marriage was in ruin. I remember Steve coming with Brad to my apt. at midnight to pray for us. I remember the first womens class I taught (thanks for the push, Shirley Meador, I miss you too), I remember days spent on June's front porch sipping tea and talking about life, love, loss, hurt, Jesus. Let's see....Baylee's baby dedication, Brad's licensing as a minister, pouring my heart out on the alter broken to pieces over my own addictions. Easter pageants, Christmas pageants, choir performances, I could go on and on. Why is "home" so important? Because that is where we begin life. For me, Richpond, is the place God showed up in my life, picked my sorry self up out of the mud, and began to shape and mold me into a different person. He is still shaping me and sometimes the way he does it is dreadfully painful. I learned to trust him in that house of worship, lead by some amazing people. It was good to be reminded of that last week. It was good to remember, and it was so good to be home!

Grounded

Today (well for the last few months actually) I have been reminded to look to Christ as my only identity factor. WHY WHY, do I always forget? It is so easy in this life to get distracted from the truth. It is so easy to get attached to things, people, places. Not that its a bad thing to get attached, God gives us blessing and gifts to enjoy, BUT I find myself drawing my strength from those things and not from God. And when those things (i.e. a marriage, a job, a home, our children, our "social" standing, our bank account) are lost, or seem to be slipping away its easy to feel like the world is closing in. Satan uses such traps to convince us that life is dark, dull, lonely, etc. and after we buy into the lie he tells us, then we are right where he wants us to be. Our guard down, doubtful of God's love for us, doubtful of God's intentions towards us. The same trick he has been using since the garden. Did God really say? Don't you wonder why God is holding out on you? And even as I know this truth, and even as I write it and ask God to speak it fresh into my heart, I still find myself looking a my bank balance, looking at my children's accomplishments, looking to everything else to find comfort and harmony in my life.....When the one person who can bring peace to my heart and in my life gets what energy I have left after I've wasted my energy focusing on everything else.

Just a short rant, no worries

I need to hear more grace. Just a simple fact of my life right now. Life is hard. I hear tons of messages from churches, books, friends, family, etc...about how "we" (meaning us Christians) need to do more to make God happy. AS IF.....maybe they haven't read that part in scripture that says, our righteous acts are like filthy rags before a holy God. Nothing we do or don't do (once we are saved) can take God's love or blessings away from us. He blesses who he wants to, no matter. Lots of people who don't claim to know Christ or care anything of God have been blessed by him. My actions, or in actions do not determine his love and care towards me. If not for his grace I'd be a mountain of ashes. Only by acknowledging his grace and kindness towards me do I keep myself in check. The moment I begin to think that God's love is based on me and not on him and the finished work of the Cross, I'm in danger of becoming the very thing Jesus warned about, white washed tombs. Pretty on the outside, but full of lies and deceit on the inside. May I always remember that its ALL about HIM.