My journey in and out of homeschooling our kids

I'll start by saying that I don't (at all) feel the need to defend myself, BUT people keep asking me about it. Why did I stop homeschooling our kids?

reason: God only told me to do it for that year. When the 09-10 school year came to a close, I felt peace about sending them back into the public school system. I never once felt like God was calling me to another year of teaching my kids at home.

In the back of my mind, I always felt something like "if I could just homeschool my kids, everything would be ok"..."if I had more time with them"...."a more laid back lifestyle is what I've always wanted"...."if they could learn what they are most interested in, it would be fun learning"..."if they could be around other families who share our values"....etc, etc..."if if if" So one day as I was talking to God about all this, he said to me, "then do it already, what are you so afraid of....take a risk, do the thing", so I did!

In some ways it helped my family, in other ways it was very damaging. Some memories I will always cherish, they are sweet times with my kids I'd had never experienced any other way. Other memories will haunt me for the rest of my life.

the good: a laid back family life was great. I could drop everything and go help a friend, spend the night with family, take a mini vacation if I wanted to. All I had to do was pack up school books, or plan an educational field trip along the way, and bam, our school hours where done! My kids loved the planning process. Getting to pick what they learned about was such a new concept, and we all fell in love with it. Baylee's love for art, and the creative process flourished & Neal could tell you every character involved in the civil rights movement & how they contributed to equality for all people in America. Making dinner and grocery trips became Math lessons some days. Other days, a picnic at the local Battlefield memorial became a state history lesson. We loved it.

the bad: to my surprise, a vast majority of homeschool families feel the need to defend themselves. I still don't understand where or how this came about. The more friends I tried to make, the more families I got to know, there was this underlying theme of fear. Fear of public school, fear of public school families, teachers, children, fear of having their right to homeschool taken away, fear that their children would somehow be damaged goods by attending school, or having friends that do. It was all very freakish (for lack of a better word) to me. I didn't understand, and still don't. My children overheard some very inappropriate talk among adults. Adults who claimed to love and follow Christ, yet talked about humanity as if it were already damned to hell, and we Christians had better stay away from all the "bad people" out there. It made my stomach turn, and I was sad that a number of children are being raised to believe such things about the world and the perception of God they will develop as a result. Not every family I know that home educated their children feel or act this way, but in my own experience, I meet enough of them to know this mentality of "elite-ism" and fearfulness does exist to a great number in the homeschool community.

the ugly: when your with a group of people 24-7, they get to see the real you. There is no faking it, no pretending, no game face. Its the real, raw, authentic you. As a family we saw the best and worst of each other last year. As a Mom, my kids saw the sometimes weak, sinful creature that I can become. I can be short tempered, unorganized, lazy, boastful of the wrong things, and a host of other not so pretty qualities. There were nights when I'd kneel beside my kids bed and ask for their forgiveness for that day. There are some memories (such as yelling at Baylee for the 25th time already to just GO TO BED) that I wish I could forget. The look of fear and disappointment on her face is more than I can bare some days. I won't even go into my marriage and the stress that having children with you ALL the time can bring.

Through it all, God taught me grace in a whole new way. Grace to face the day and grace to face myself. My children went back to public school this year, and they are performing on or above grade level. They are also more confident with themselves, and a lot more friendly to their peers. Was the year a success, I don't know. I doubt I'll have the answer until I see it through the eyes of my adult children one day. At the end of the day, I think I learned more than my kids ever did last year. I was the teacher, but they gave me a crash course in life. And I'm the better for it!

My trip "home"

Last week Brad & I traveled to our home church, Richpond Baptist Church, in KY. I walk through the doors and almost immediately I feel "home". Funny how that happens. Its been a few years since we actually came and sat in on a service. This one was special because our children had a part in leading worship that night, but even as the event was a happy one I found myself getting a little sad. WHY? Because there really is no place like home, and I miss it. I don't think I realized just how much until that night. I miss our pastor, Steve and the way he usually tears up when talking about Jesus. I miss his wife, Lisa who is such a sweet, multifaceted lady of enormous talent. It really is true that behind every good man, stands a better woman! Sorry Steve. I miss the people we grew close to, I miss the youth group we taught, as many of them are now grown and getting married or have children. Talk about feeling old, geesh. However, as sweet as those things are, what I miss most are the memories attached to that place. I'm sitting there wishing my kids could grow up within the walls of this church because it really is such an amazing family of faith. I remember sitting in Steve's office crying my eyes out because my marriage was in ruin. I remember Steve coming with Brad to my apt. at midnight to pray for us. I remember the first womens class I taught (thanks for the push, Shirley Meador, I miss you too), I remember days spent on June's front porch sipping tea and talking about life, love, loss, hurt, Jesus. Let's see....Baylee's baby dedication, Brad's licensing as a minister, pouring my heart out on the alter broken to pieces over my own addictions. Easter pageants, Christmas pageants, choir performances, I could go on and on. Why is "home" so important? Because that is where we begin life. For me, Richpond, is the place God showed up in my life, picked my sorry self up out of the mud, and began to shape and mold me into a different person. He is still shaping me and sometimes the way he does it is dreadfully painful. I learned to trust him in that house of worship, lead by some amazing people. It was good to be reminded of that last week. It was good to remember, and it was so good to be home!

Grounded

Today (well for the last few months actually) I have been reminded to look to Christ as my only identity factor. WHY WHY, do I always forget? It is so easy in this life to get distracted from the truth. It is so easy to get attached to things, people, places. Not that its a bad thing to get attached, God gives us blessing and gifts to enjoy, BUT I find myself drawing my strength from those things and not from God. And when those things (i.e. a marriage, a job, a home, our children, our "social" standing, our bank account) are lost, or seem to be slipping away its easy to feel like the world is closing in. Satan uses such traps to convince us that life is dark, dull, lonely, etc. and after we buy into the lie he tells us, then we are right where he wants us to be. Our guard down, doubtful of God's love for us, doubtful of God's intentions towards us. The same trick he has been using since the garden. Did God really say? Don't you wonder why God is holding out on you? And even as I know this truth, and even as I write it and ask God to speak it fresh into my heart, I still find myself looking a my bank balance, looking at my children's accomplishments, looking to everything else to find comfort and harmony in my life.....When the one person who can bring peace to my heart and in my life gets what energy I have left after I've wasted my energy focusing on everything else.

Just a short rant, no worries

I need to hear more grace. Just a simple fact of my life right now. Life is hard. I hear tons of messages from churches, books, friends, family, etc...about how "we" (meaning us Christians) need to do more to make God happy. AS IF.....maybe they haven't read that part in scripture that says, our righteous acts are like filthy rags before a holy God. Nothing we do or don't do (once we are saved) can take God's love or blessings away from us. He blesses who he wants to, no matter. Lots of people who don't claim to know Christ or care anything of God have been blessed by him. My actions, or in actions do not determine his love and care towards me. If not for his grace I'd be a mountain of ashes. Only by acknowledging his grace and kindness towards me do I keep myself in check. The moment I begin to think that God's love is based on me and not on him and the finished work of the Cross, I'm in danger of becoming the very thing Jesus warned about, white washed tombs. Pretty on the outside, but full of lies and deceit on the inside. May I always remember that its ALL about HIM.

Thoughts from yet another birthday.....

WOW! another birthday down, its been a crazy kinda year for me, and that is most likely an understatment. I guess like every year I've had ups and downs. Mountians and valleys of life we like to call them. Many things have shaped my outlook on life in a new way over the past year.

I lost a someone in my life who I had grown to think of as a close and dear friend. Needless to say, it left me bruised, and wounded in ways I hadn't felt in a long time. Instead of giving into the desire to grow bitter and resentful, I have learned that life is best lived with your heart wide open, knowing full well that living that way gives people a chance to hurt you. At the end of the day, I'd rather be hurt than not risk at all.

The loss of Gabe Brewer at RSC impacted me in ways I never expected. I didn't even know him that well, but to witness a church be the hands and feet of Jesus during such a tragedy left me awe struck at the willingness of the human spirit to offer love, hope, and compassion, in the most difficult of times.

We meet Brad's biological father in Nov. 09. What most astounded me about the entire situation was God's timing. He worked everything out, in his time. Of course his plans are always better than our own.

I began homeschooling our kids this year. This experience more than any other has impacted me the most this past year. Number one, I learned that I can in fact do the impossible.....be with my kids 24/7 and not loose my mind. What I have learned about the "debate" (homeschool vrs public school) is that people are really misinformed about the other side of the issue. Public schools are not the enemy. There are really great teachers out there who love children and consider it a very high and responsible calling to teach them. And not all homeschool parents are "fundementalists" or wear skirts and long hair. Homeschooled kids are very normal, and public school is not the devil.

So on my 32nd birthday, I feel overwhelmed with life, yes.....but confident that HIS mercies are new every morning. And no matter what may come, HE is on my side, calling me to live life to the fullest. Not to waste a moment of time, HIS time. To love with open arms, and not to close them to tight when I get hurt.

"LOVE"

"For love is as strong as death, Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD, Many waters cannot quench love; neither can floods drown it."
Song Of Solomon 8:6-7

It is so true, love is the strongest force God has given to his creation. How we use it is left to us.

Yes, I've crossed over into the "Twilight" world.....

I didn't watch "Twilight" until it came out on DVD last year. The movie was not that great, and I failed to see what all the fuss was over. I went to see "New Moon" with a friend of mine last month. Everyone I knew (ok, almost everyone) was going, so I gave into peer pressure and jumped off the cliff. At the end of "New Moon", Bella and Edward plan to get married. Are you kidding? Marry a vampire? Everyone kept telling me to read the books, because there was so much of the story that didn't make it into the movie. So, that is what I did. I started with "Eclipse" to see how in the world Edward and Bella worked out marriage, then I just had to read "Breaking Dawn" for all the juicy (no pun intended) details. After reading the two books (in record time I might add); I went back to the beginning and read all of them. My friends were right, the movies don't do the books justice at all. Rarely do books make good movies. I had read all the reviews, I've even read some reviews from a theological perspective, and how the author, Stephanie Meyer worked her own Mormon faith into the story. At the end of the day, none of the reviews I read paint the series into what it really is. As far as matters of faith it is a deeply spiritual tale of love, hope, loyalty and the power of redemption. I didn't get the feeling that any particular faith played a role in the books. It was more of a universal tale of wanting to be loved, and finding the love you want; wanting to be known and longing to be accepted. The universal desire of every human heart.

It is, by all accounts a love story, much better than Romeo and Juliet, I might add. Edward Cullen (not to be confused with Rob Pattinson) is the best male character to come along in quite some time. The reason so many woman of all ages swoon over him is the way he loves Bella. With all the feminism junk of today, and all the bra burning of the past, woman still want to be loved in a way that only a real man can love them. We want men to be men! No sissy boys allowed (although, unfortunately that is what alot of men have become). Edward offers Bella his strength, his power, protection, loyalty, and all the while he shows enormous restraint when he is around her. Not wanting to hurt her in any way, the sheer will power it takes to be in the same room with her pales in comparison to anything I've ever seen. It makes a recovering alcoholic look tame.

For me personally, the role of Edward Cullen is its own story. All of us, no matter what faith we are or are not, have a strong desire to be loved, to belong, to take off our mask, and reveal our true selves to the world. We all have our own personal demons to control, our own monsters to keep at bay. Will someone love us if they really know who we are, what we are capable of, what we have done in the past, how we could hurt them if we get to close, can I stop hiding, will you love me anyway, can you see past the monsters? All those questions get answered for Edward. Bella loves him. It is the biggest surprise of Edwards long life. Its more than he ever expected and more than he deserves. In the end, Bella gives up her life of luxury, her humanity to be with him. She loves him so much, that she would enter into his world, feel the pain of darkness, the terror of what she has now become. I have never read a love story like it, and doubt I ever will again. It is a one of a kind tale, sort of.....

It is not the Christian story by any stretch of the imagination. But it does remind me in my own personal life and my own faith just how much Jesus loves the human race. Sinful, vile, evil people...capable of unspeakable acts of violence and hatred. At times we show no restraint to the evil inside us, and yet....he gave up so much (at least the human side of Jesus) to show how much he cared. How he longed for us to embrace the good, and leave the darkness behind. He loves us. With our mask off and all our monsters exposed....God says "come", "its ok, I know who you really are, you are mine".

I loved the books and I'm in love with the love story it tells. I'm a follower, and if it isn't clear by now, I'm totally Team Edward!!