I talked to my best friend on the phone for an hour this morning. An hour is nothing for us, seriously we could talk (fast, and in circles) for hours, and never run out of things to share.
I think back to my life before we meet and it must have been such a lonely place. I mean I had friends, people I could count on, but I can honestly say I've never had a friend like her. We often think of soul mates as the one we will always be in love with, we romanticize them like in a Hollywood film. Those kinds of soul mates are real, I'm not saying otherwise. However, I honestly believe with all my heart that Erin is my soul sister. She is like family to me, we have raised our kids together. Baylee and Elijah can't remember a time when they haven't known each other. We've been pregnant at the same time, done ministry together, been hung over together, vacationed together, and so many other "things" that make memories of our friendship so great. If I'm to be honest though, it's none of that which makes her so special to me. You can create memories with anyone. What makes her so close in my heart is the journey we have taken together as women. A journey we are still on I might add. The road has tons of twists and turns, high cliffs to climb, steep edges we have to stand on the edge of, caverns that are sometimes dark and scary, jagged rocks that often hurt like hell. Through it all we have been at each others side. Sometimes cheering the other on, sometimes shaking our head going "what are you thinking", sometimes crying, drinking, always laughing.
Our friendship is unique because it is rare. With so many people who walk in and out of our lives its rare to find one with whom you journey with, one who loves you no matter how crazy you get or life gets. We often talk about what we'll do when we grow old. Our goal: to live in Africa and rock sick babies to sleep -or- live in the States and take care of crack babies! I mean seriously what are the odds of finding someone on this earth (and there are over 6 billion of us) who want to end their life that way? I love you Erin. You rock, sister!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Baylee's birthday
My daughter just turned 9. Where in the world does the time go? Seems like yesterday she was born & I wrapped her up in her little pink blankie and brought her home. She has been independent from day one. It was kinda like she said (in her sweetest baby voice) "thanks for the ride Mom, I got it from here"! She is so full of life and love. She teaches me so much about creativity, being silly, and being yourself. She is her own person for sure. I have no doubt she will blaze a trail no matter where she goes in life or what she does.
I look at my little 9 yr old girl with such a thankful heart that God allowed me to be her mother. He took this 24 yr old, scared to death, immature, young woman and gave her a daughter to love. I was so scared to have a girl. How do I protect her, how do I show her how to be a woman when my own mother walked out, how do I teach her about fashion when I'm such a tomboy myself? God took all those fears and walked me through a long, sometimes dark, always twisted, road of faith. Faith in myself that I had within me what it takes to raise a young girl and guide her into womanhood. Faith in him, that he loves her, cares for her, smiles at her personality, laughs at her charm, marvels at her wisdom. Watching God love her has taught me that he loved me that way too. When I was just a little girl, scared and alone, sometimes lost, sometimes hiding, always fearful....he loved me. He laughed when I would climb trees and hide from the world. He marveled at my ability to have compassion on other people, even though my own world was falling apart.
Listening to God direct Baylee, love her, guide her... has taught me so much about who he is and how he loves all of us. More than anything, it has helped heal my heart. Opening my heart to allow that kind of love inside removes so much scar tissue left over from all those times in my own little girl childhood when I had to hide & be afraid. That kind of love shines light into some very dark places in my past. It reminds me of this David Crowder song "oh how he loves us". Its so true. How can I regret anything in my past, present, future....when I understand and invite light and love into my heart.
So Happy Birthday to my daughter, Baylee Marie. Next year we start double digits...and even though the fashion war has already started, I have a feeling it only gets worse from here :)
I look at my little 9 yr old girl with such a thankful heart that God allowed me to be her mother. He took this 24 yr old, scared to death, immature, young woman and gave her a daughter to love. I was so scared to have a girl. How do I protect her, how do I show her how to be a woman when my own mother walked out, how do I teach her about fashion when I'm such a tomboy myself? God took all those fears and walked me through a long, sometimes dark, always twisted, road of faith. Faith in myself that I had within me what it takes to raise a young girl and guide her into womanhood. Faith in him, that he loves her, cares for her, smiles at her personality, laughs at her charm, marvels at her wisdom. Watching God love her has taught me that he loved me that way too. When I was just a little girl, scared and alone, sometimes lost, sometimes hiding, always fearful....he loved me. He laughed when I would climb trees and hide from the world. He marveled at my ability to have compassion on other people, even though my own world was falling apart.
Listening to God direct Baylee, love her, guide her... has taught me so much about who he is and how he loves all of us. More than anything, it has helped heal my heart. Opening my heart to allow that kind of love inside removes so much scar tissue left over from all those times in my own little girl childhood when I had to hide & be afraid. That kind of love shines light into some very dark places in my past. It reminds me of this David Crowder song "oh how he loves us". Its so true. How can I regret anything in my past, present, future....when I understand and invite light and love into my heart.
So Happy Birthday to my daughter, Baylee Marie. Next year we start double digits...and even though the fashion war has already started, I have a feeling it only gets worse from here :)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
sighs of relief
sometimes I just have to write and get it all out, today is one of those days!!!
Its been less than two years since we found Brad's biological father, and 2 sisters he knew nothing about. We officially meet face to face in Jackson, TN for Thanksgiving dinner 2009. My how a few months can change your life! (I will not cry, I will not cry....damn it, I'm crying) Words can't really capture the ways in which finding the rest of our family has shaped us, changed us, made us shake our heads, made us pinch ourselves just to see if all this is real or not.
A few days ago we sat in an ICU family waiting area to see how Tom was progressing in open heart surgery. We sat with anxious, afraid, hopeful, joyous hearts. I'm telling you Brad and I were a mixed bag of emotions. On the one hand, how sweet of the Lord to allow us a few months with Tom if indeed it was his time to go home, but how sad it would be if we lost him. How joyful we were to know that if the Lord called him home, he would forever be in the presence of Christ and reunited with his loved ones who have passed, namely his wife Jackie and his parents. BUT the biggest, most overwhelming emotion came when after 12 hours of being at the hospital we got a call from the Dr. saying all was well, he came through with flying colors: RELIEF, I tell you, relief :) Brad and I both looked at each other, smiled, cried and began the rounds of phone calls we had to make. Tom comes home today, in just a few short hours he'll be sitting in his chair, telling us jokes, and snoring so loud the house will shake....good times!!!!
Its been less than two years since we found Brad's biological father, and 2 sisters he knew nothing about. We officially meet face to face in Jackson, TN for Thanksgiving dinner 2009. My how a few months can change your life! (I will not cry, I will not cry....damn it, I'm crying) Words can't really capture the ways in which finding the rest of our family has shaped us, changed us, made us shake our heads, made us pinch ourselves just to see if all this is real or not.
A few days ago we sat in an ICU family waiting area to see how Tom was progressing in open heart surgery. We sat with anxious, afraid, hopeful, joyous hearts. I'm telling you Brad and I were a mixed bag of emotions. On the one hand, how sweet of the Lord to allow us a few months with Tom if indeed it was his time to go home, but how sad it would be if we lost him. How joyful we were to know that if the Lord called him home, he would forever be in the presence of Christ and reunited with his loved ones who have passed, namely his wife Jackie and his parents. BUT the biggest, most overwhelming emotion came when after 12 hours of being at the hospital we got a call from the Dr. saying all was well, he came through with flying colors: RELIEF, I tell you, relief :) Brad and I both looked at each other, smiled, cried and began the rounds of phone calls we had to make. Tom comes home today, in just a few short hours he'll be sitting in his chair, telling us jokes, and snoring so loud the house will shake....good times!!!!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
mothers, be good to your daughters-John Mayer
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart
On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart
On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Monday, April 4, 2011
Ashamed to be Baptist
War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting? ~The Value of Families
I will never, as long as I live, understand the fight by the church to limit gay rights. If we as a denomination spent half as much energy working on other social issues, such as child abuse, bullying, caring for our elderly, etc....we'd get a lot more accomplished in our world. It is so frustrating!!!!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
being reminded
Seeing this picture of my daughter standing here in a flower girl dress, only reminds me of her future and that one day she'll be the bride!
I pray for her future husband. I pray that he'll be strong for her and love her as he should. Which in turn, causes me to pray for my own marriage because I know that Brad and I are the first picture of love that she will see. I pray that we are strong and that we love each other as we should. always.....
Saturday, September 11, 2010
My journey in and out of homeschooling our kids
I'll start by saying that I don't (at all) feel the need to defend myself, BUT people keep asking me about it. Why did I stop homeschooling our kids?
reason: God only told me to do it for that year. When the 09-10 school year came to a close, I felt peace about sending them back into the public school system. I never once felt like God was calling me to another year of teaching my kids at home.
In the back of my mind, I always felt something like "if I could just homeschool my kids, everything would be ok"..."if I had more time with them"...."a more laid back lifestyle is what I've always wanted"...."if they could learn what they are most interested in, it would be fun learning"..."if they could be around other families who share our values"....etc, etc..."if if if" So one day as I was talking to God about all this, he said to me, "then do it already, what are you so afraid of....take a risk, do the thing", so I did!
In some ways it helped my family, in other ways it was very damaging. Some memories I will always cherish, they are sweet times with my kids I'd had never experienced any other way. Other memories will haunt me for the rest of my life.
the good: a laid back family life was great. I could drop everything and go help a friend, spend the night with family, take a mini vacation if I wanted to. All I had to do was pack up school books, or plan an educational field trip along the way, and bam, our school hours where done! My kids loved the planning process. Getting to pick what they learned about was such a new concept, and we all fell in love with it. Baylee's love for art, and the creative process flourished & Neal could tell you every character involved in the civil rights movement & how they contributed to equality for all people in America. Making dinner and grocery trips became Math lessons some days. Other days, a picnic at the local Battlefield memorial became a state history lesson. We loved it.
the bad: to my surprise, a vast majority of homeschool families feel the need to defend themselves. I still don't understand where or how this came about. The more friends I tried to make, the more families I got to know, there was this underlying theme of fear. Fear of public school, fear of public school families, teachers, children, fear of having their right to homeschool taken away, fear that their children would somehow be damaged goods by attending school, or having friends that do. It was all very freakish (for lack of a better word) to me. I didn't understand, and still don't. My children overheard some very inappropriate talk among adults. Adults who claimed to love and follow Christ, yet talked about humanity as if it were already damned to hell, and we Christians had better stay away from all the "bad people" out there. It made my stomach turn, and I was sad that a number of children are being raised to believe such things about the world and the perception of God they will develop as a result. Not every family I know that home educated their children feel or act this way, but in my own experience, I meet enough of them to know this mentality of "elite-ism" and fearfulness does exist to a great number in the homeschool community.
the ugly: when your with a group of people 24-7, they get to see the real you. There is no faking it, no pretending, no game face. Its the real, raw, authentic you. As a family we saw the best and worst of each other last year. As a Mom, my kids saw the sometimes weak, sinful creature that I can become. I can be short tempered, unorganized, lazy, boastful of the wrong things, and a host of other not so pretty qualities. There were nights when I'd kneel beside my kids bed and ask for their forgiveness for that day. There are some memories (such as yelling at Baylee for the 25th time already to just GO TO BED) that I wish I could forget. The look of fear and disappointment on her face is more than I can bare some days. I won't even go into my marriage and the stress that having children with you ALL the time can bring.
Through it all, God taught me grace in a whole new way. Grace to face the day and grace to face myself. My children went back to public school this year, and they are performing on or above grade level. They are also more confident with themselves, and a lot more friendly to their peers. Was the year a success, I don't know. I doubt I'll have the answer until I see it through the eyes of my adult children one day. At the end of the day, I think I learned more than my kids ever did last year. I was the teacher, but they gave me a crash course in life. And I'm the better for it!
reason: God only told me to do it for that year. When the 09-10 school year came to a close, I felt peace about sending them back into the public school system. I never once felt like God was calling me to another year of teaching my kids at home.
In the back of my mind, I always felt something like "if I could just homeschool my kids, everything would be ok"..."if I had more time with them"...."a more laid back lifestyle is what I've always wanted"...."if they could learn what they are most interested in, it would be fun learning"..."if they could be around other families who share our values"....etc, etc..."if if if" So one day as I was talking to God about all this, he said to me, "then do it already, what are you so afraid of....take a risk, do the thing", so I did!
In some ways it helped my family, in other ways it was very damaging. Some memories I will always cherish, they are sweet times with my kids I'd had never experienced any other way. Other memories will haunt me for the rest of my life.
the good: a laid back family life was great. I could drop everything and go help a friend, spend the night with family, take a mini vacation if I wanted to. All I had to do was pack up school books, or plan an educational field trip along the way, and bam, our school hours where done! My kids loved the planning process. Getting to pick what they learned about was such a new concept, and we all fell in love with it. Baylee's love for art, and the creative process flourished & Neal could tell you every character involved in the civil rights movement & how they contributed to equality for all people in America. Making dinner and grocery trips became Math lessons some days. Other days, a picnic at the local Battlefield memorial became a state history lesson. We loved it.
the bad: to my surprise, a vast majority of homeschool families feel the need to defend themselves. I still don't understand where or how this came about. The more friends I tried to make, the more families I got to know, there was this underlying theme of fear. Fear of public school, fear of public school families, teachers, children, fear of having their right to homeschool taken away, fear that their children would somehow be damaged goods by attending school, or having friends that do. It was all very freakish (for lack of a better word) to me. I didn't understand, and still don't. My children overheard some very inappropriate talk among adults. Adults who claimed to love and follow Christ, yet talked about humanity as if it were already damned to hell, and we Christians had better stay away from all the "bad people" out there. It made my stomach turn, and I was sad that a number of children are being raised to believe such things about the world and the perception of God they will develop as a result. Not every family I know that home educated their children feel or act this way, but in my own experience, I meet enough of them to know this mentality of "elite-ism" and fearfulness does exist to a great number in the homeschool community.
the ugly: when your with a group of people 24-7, they get to see the real you. There is no faking it, no pretending, no game face. Its the real, raw, authentic you. As a family we saw the best and worst of each other last year. As a Mom, my kids saw the sometimes weak, sinful creature that I can become. I can be short tempered, unorganized, lazy, boastful of the wrong things, and a host of other not so pretty qualities. There were nights when I'd kneel beside my kids bed and ask for their forgiveness for that day. There are some memories (such as yelling at Baylee for the 25th time already to just GO TO BED) that I wish I could forget. The look of fear and disappointment on her face is more than I can bare some days. I won't even go into my marriage and the stress that having children with you ALL the time can bring.
Through it all, God taught me grace in a whole new way. Grace to face the day and grace to face myself. My children went back to public school this year, and they are performing on or above grade level. They are also more confident with themselves, and a lot more friendly to their peers. Was the year a success, I don't know. I doubt I'll have the answer until I see it through the eyes of my adult children one day. At the end of the day, I think I learned more than my kids ever did last year. I was the teacher, but they gave me a crash course in life. And I'm the better for it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)