So I'm learning

It all started when MaryKate (we miss you guys) suggested in our small group that we share our testimonies with each other. In an effort to be real and transparent and draw close to each other, our small group leader thought it was a great idea. We did to. Brad and I have longed for a church that was real. Not a perfect church, a real church. So.....as the story goes....I start off thinking it was great until I realized it was our turn to share, then I thought, "crap", now I have to be the one to share. I have to practice what I preach so to speak. LOL And we did. We shared our testimony with our group. All the ugly parts and all the grace filled moments God has lavished on us. Our small group was so encouraging to us. I mean you never know with Christian "folk" how your story will be received and I have to admit I was a bit nervous. Our story is not the typical, "I grew up in church and God is good", its more like, "life has been hard, we've stood at the gates of hell, God is great". All of the members of our group were bold and courageous in sharing their own stories and struggles, and I am blessed to call them friends. I wrote a song out of all that and Tom, our music minister is going to help me put it to music later this summer. The title is "I'm not who I once was" something Chris said after we all shared our stuff together. He said in a prayer, "thank you, Lord that we are not who we once were, but we are not yet what we were meant to be".......ah.....that was beautiful to me and a song came out of it. So I say all that to say this.......its not so much that I struggle with my own story anymore. I have made peace with my past and I don't ask God those "why" questions anymore. I stand in freedom and its a great place to be. The question I find myself asking God is, "why all the human suffering" I mean its awful. Starvation, rape, war, mothers and children being killed and kidnapped, children as young as three being sold into sex slavery. ugh.....its just overwhelming the condition of our world. So on my quest to answer these questions, I began reading. And reading a lot. I read C.S. Lewis, "The problem of pain", read some Mother Teresa stuff, read every systematic theology book I could get my hands on, lots and lots of reading. It wasn't until I read "The True Condition of Man" by Paul Washer (or its titled "the doctrine of man") that the light bulb went on for me. I was asking the wrong question. Instead of asking why all the bad stuff happens and why there is so much suffering, the question should be asked, why does anything good ever happen. Seriously, we are a cursed race, a cursed planet. (Gen 2 & 3). We are enemies of God from birth by the mere fact that we are human. Yes, we are created in his image and I believe all that, but scripture is clear about the fact that until we come to know Christ, we are God's enemies and under his wrath and judgement. When the angels sinned and rebelled in heaven, God did not (as far as we know) make a way for them to be redeemed. However, for us, pitiful as we are, Jesus bleed and died on a cross to save my sorry butt. A cursed human on her way to hell. I stand amazed. God didn't have to do that, he could have sent us all to hell and we would have deserved it, we do deserve it. I do not understand and never will that kind of love and mercy. So suffering will come, its to be expected, Satan hates us and he is prince of this world. But Christ has overcome sin and death, and offers freedom and hope. As Christians we have to find our part in the story, and ask God where he wants us to spread the freedom and hope in our own lives. I thank God that he showed me this. So now when I see something good happen in the world, I know God has a hand in it and when I see human suffering it makes me hate our enemy even more. An enemy that seeks to destroy us, in lots of different ways. Anything that takes the creation of God and turns it into a display of evil he delights in. I am reminded of a song:

oh, praise the one who paid my debt
and raised this life up from the dead.
(repeat)
Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe
sin have left a crimson stain
he washed it white as snow

That is all for now. Its 2am and I have a house full of kids to care for in the morning. Hopefully, I'll be able to spread some hope around this place in a few hours. It needs a fresh dosage of hope these days. Brad's class has one more week. I do thank God for his provision, but I'm also honest with God (cause he can take it), I'm glad the path to getting that provision is almost over.
Goodnight all!